Riza Hawkeye feelings
by mushimio92
Summary: Just a little something.


I should have known how he was suffering on the inside

How much he was blaming himself for the Major's death

After that saddened day, he was no longer the colonel that I once knew

Even though he looked normal on the outside, he had that peculiar expression hanging on his face.

Occasionally, he would stare at the phone sitting on his desk. One minute or an hour, as though he was waiting

And we all knew who he was waiting for, even though the rest of us know deeply in our hearts that it would never be the Major on the other side. I could not bear to stop him; it was the only connection he felt he had left with the bubbly father he used to complain about.

This went on, every single day, for weeks after his death. The colonel became much thinner and paler, but he would not listen to my advices to rest. Night after night, he would bury himself in books and when he was not, the tall man would be standing by his window staring at the sky with a blank look.

It was the 1nd of June, when the colonel stood up and announced that he was going to take the weekend off. Normally, I would have questioned his move but he answered it before I had asked. The tone and voice was the same, but his expression was empty. The eyes were hollow and dark; it pained me to see him in such a state but before I could say a word, he left office leaving an echo of the door hitting its hinges.

Why was I such a coward… I should have said something, comforting words that could make him snap out of his trance. I did not say it, even though countless emotions had swarmed up in my soul, I did not make the message clear to him… and it almost became regret…

That night, I could not sleep. The day was playing back as though it was a recorder with no pause button, I was watching myself being useless even though I was at his side, I could not say anything to him, was it pride? Was it the lack of practice? Why couldn't I say what my heart was yearning to converse? Feeling restless and all, I made my way back to headquarters in the middle of the night. I had a terrible feeling aching inside of me…

I pushed open the wooden doors of his office, only to rush through it when I heard single sudden scream behind them. When I saw what he was about to do, I did what I could to stop him and it was lucky that I got there in time. I flung the knife away from his hands, he stared at me with those eyes that I never seen before in my life, eyes of hopelessness and intense agony.

I saw him frown and beads of tears forming at his eyes as he peered into mine, the grip I had on his arm and hands tightened, the fear I had solidified, what if I had reached here an hour later, I would never see this man breathing again. My trembling lips could only form a single sentence, a single message that transmits properly even though I was cold and scared; I knew that it was clear and simple.

"Please, don't do this…don't go somewhere I can't follow…"

He kneeled to the ground and I followed, those tears kept falling and his frame shivering. For the first time, I did not care if someone caught us in this unsightly position. I embraced him gently within my arms, and had my head on his.

I had never seen the colonel falling in such despair; it was not like him to be eaten by darkness.

I was just glad that I came in time; I do not ever want to lose him.

The knife he tried to end his life with laid on the carpet far away from his reach, even though it was four in the morning, neither of us was feeling sleepy; I began to speak while he stayed silent throughout the whole thing. Those emotions and those comforting words that I was dying to say to him flowed out, hoping that he would understand my feelings and also the hint that I cannot carry on without him.

He fell asleep half way, and I tucked him in with his coat. Seeing that he was alright, I shifted to my left a little only to realize that he was holding my hand throughout. The movement seemed to have woken him a little but what he said assured me that he was going to be okay.

"Thank you…sorry for worrying you…"

I was happy, happy that he managed to calm himself down… but is it really right, he seemed to have recovered but he wasn't the same person, the next few months he was smiling and laughing, re energized to stop the top brass from committing their crimes. But I heard, from Sheska that he was also spending a lot of time at the place where major hughes was before running away from the perpetrators, it was obvious that he had not stopped thinking of finding the killer of his best friend.

However, when he does find the killer… what will the colonel do, I am worried… worried that he would fall into the game of hatred. And if he does, I have to be there to stop him from doing it.

…. That day eventually came… and it was shape shifter homunculus Envy who murdered the Major, even though I too was boiling and also wanted to make Envy pay for what he had done, the colonel went one step ahead of me. In the end, I had to resort to having a gun at his head warning him to stop.

Honestly, I did not want it to come this far, I had little intention to shoot. How could I put a bullet through the person I followed for years? I was hesitant and even wondered if I could really pull the trigger.

I thought I lost him then, I thought my fears were going to come through but he came back to his senses… with help from his protégé and Scar…

Feelings, duty, honor, friends, company…

One thing is certain; I will follow him to the end of time and even to beyond of that.

Colonel Roy Mustang.


End file.
